In an attempt to explain what happened:
Some things are done that cannot be undone.

When I first became depersonalized/derealized, I would ask, "Will there be a time when so much time has passed that I forget who I was in the first place?" You might wonder what that means. How can you forget who you are? When your self and your reality is placed at a distance, through blurred glass, every day for years and years... you can forget. And I have forgotten. I look inside and see nothing of the Blake that loved and was loved. Strip away your likes and dislikes, your favorite things, your most hated things, and what are you? If you can't feel things, are you real? I don't want to be so melodramatic, but these are the things that I listen to when I am awake.

You know you're in there somewhere, though, right? But as the day to day and the year to year begins, things change. And all the give and take of an average year on this rock take their toll, you lose touch with that person. And something bleak and gray and numb replaces you. Your transition to something else becomes final. You sleep only in hopes that you dream, because in those dreams is more reality than the waking day. You become an invisible observer to a deteriorating life. For what happens to a captainless vessel?

But for a time, love brought me back. Love saved me. But, like so many times before, I failed. And I am sorry.

So I fear, finally, I have reached that tipping point. Where the Blake that was buried beneath cobwebs of fog has finally passed on. I reach in and I find not good or bad, just...nothing.

Now I set my eyes to beyond this life and this world. I do not pretend to know what will happen, I hope only for a release, for a reunion. I hope as the locks my mind have built are broken, that I will be whole again.

To any who read this, friends or family, know that underneath what you saw, in the deepest parts of me, that I loved every moment I had with you. That I cherished listening to you tell me about anything. To those that called me a friend, my behavior was confusing, pathetic, and hurtful. So many unanswered calls, and so many escapes. I was just afraid to show you what I had become. Many of my best friends I lost of my own inability to cope with these realities. But to you, I say that my fondness for our times together has never faded. My curiosity about your lives has always endured. I wish you all of the best and hope that we will meet again.

Love Always